It would be so easy and familiar to open the door and walk in again…
What do you do when the draw is strong and heavy again to walk back to a place that once did you so wrong. A space that, of itself, isn’t so bad….but who you were…who you have fought so hard not to be….the worst version of yourself….She lives there, in that space.

It strikes me that maybe this is how addicts in recovery feel…

It’s in these moments when I have to stare at myself and wonder….have I learned anything? Months of brokenness, wounds stripped wide…No. The resounding answer is just, NO…not yet…not enough….to walk back in would crush all that has started to thrive in this new freedom.

I knew it would come. Just not so soon….why so soon.

To know something that could be so good would crush me…oh and the voices ever louder, ever present…

The crushing is good for you. It grinds away the pride

When there is nothing left, then there is Jesus.

It is good to work hard, to stretch yourself. All work should be done for The Lord and he will help you walk it out.

These are the words of religion that scream at me. The things I’ve heard so many times…even from my own mouth. But what if it is not time for crushing? What if the time for growing in a new way has begun? How will I know if, in my humanity and frailty, I step out into that place of death again?

No, not yet….not now…

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