Heart full of sadness and a head full of doubt…

Heart full of sadness and a head full of doubt…

Maybe that about sums it up? How do I even approach writing an entry like this one? How do I choose honesty…and search for clarity and not come off sounding like I’m throwing myself a pity party?

Today I walked into a room filled with people…a place I once held dear…a heart home….I have stayed far away for a long time….not due to any bad blood…more because of love. My own love for a place and its people and the deep heart wrench I knew I would feel if I returned…I stayed away because I knew it would break something deep within to enter doors that could no longer be my home…my safe place. In the end, I would have to leave…again…

I was held by so many warm embraces…welcome smiles, tears, laughter….memories…years spent together….working hard….loving well. I miss them. And I felt missed, loved.

Wow! Yep. I felt missed, and then something broke. One of those super real deep kind of things…the twine that holds together vital parts….it snapped, and I realized that after years of plowing hard ground, believing hard things and applying my beliefs to life…when you stand at a door flung wide with arms held open….and no one comes…or those who do look you up and down and move on….a soul can only take so much rejection…

In this moment there is a choice…where do I find my value…where do I look for fulfillment. No one wants to feel rejected or unloved…but this is the reality of our human condition…when we look to be filled by those in this world we come up short…every time. So my head tells me to look to Jesus and my heart cries for the hope that it might grasp the love that is there. Doubt edges every corner! Fear, a razors edge.

And in the moment of breaking I have the opportunity to learn, one more time, that this life is about Jesus. The lessons are deep and they are many…


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