I haven’t published in a long time. I have a list of about 10 post titles in my draft file…bits of writing here and there…topics I am thinking about. Food I’ve posted a photo of on Facebook that people want to know how to make…the latest remodel project and my anxiety about things others (maybe) don’t care to read about. It’s that last one that stops me over and over again…a snag, a second look, a pause. It is ever-present in the back of my mind…why? Why do I keep this blog? In this culture, Every third, 30 something mom keeps a blog.
Why? Just WHY? Standing back I don’t get it. (Says the lady writing) I used to think I had something to say…even if I do, so what? So….WHAT?!! I struggle with the endless opinions…endless points of view…endless words…endless…endless…endless…white noise. Yoga pants, Shades of Grey, Co-sleeping, home-schooling, the right way to do this or believe that. One hot issue bleeding into the next and who can remember what ‘we’ were ranting about just 4 weeks ago? Does anyone remember Ebola? What? That’s still a thing! We’re so focused on the measles outbreak and vaccine hesitant parents that there just isn’t time to worry about the devastation on a whole other continent… So that’s sort of the crap that I care about…scewed and broken….blogged to death and then some…an opinion, mine, doesn’t really matter much in the midst of all the noise. And maybe I don’t even have an opinion, yet…maybe I just want the time, a space to process…the welcomed voice and input of others in my life…
How many, times do we cut the new wings of thought as they are forming. judge, judge, judge! You come in the wrong package…Your words are funny…I don’t get you…You are too ignorant. I found that this may also not be the space to find understanding, unless you have a thick skin…I’m not so thick and I’ve bruised easily. Should I prefer to keep a bland journal, devoid of my passion and relying on simple platitudes? They have left me empty and hollow over the years…why would I give them or their religion a voice here. No, this must be a space of honesty, openness, the truth I am encountering…and I guess if it is only for me then that is what it is. A space where I grow a thicker skin (bit by bit) and push into the hard…let’s be honest, if I’ve learned anything in the past year…It’s better to push into the hard and sit in the ash while it all burns then to pretend things are ok.
So, I come back, and the posts are revised and some are published, but most sit in a file while I desperately search for the right words and the courage to publish them…time, energy, pride, safety, fear…they all keep me quiet. Here is to the searching, and the grasping for thoughts and words that are just beyond, and prayers…desperate prayers that maybe someday I will understand why I am doing this.