Who I am because of you {The friend I didn’t know I needed}

She was my friend, my confidant, my sister. She was there when I needed her and when I thought I didn’t.  She could mow a lawn like nobody else, in fact she took great joy in mowing a particularly tricky lawn. I think that’s why she comes to mind every time I get on my lawn mower. ‘Girl, have I got a lawn for you!’

She taught me a lot of things. She taught me how to drive…at 24, when I should have already known, she took the time. She taught me how to truly enjoy a cigarette…. Not just smoke it. She taught me what it looked like to love people…. To love them deep down where it counts. I am a better person for knowing her and the heartbreak is that she has no idea. 

When I got married, she should have been there. When we brought our children home she should have met us in the airport. When we’re young we say foolish things, we think foolish things, we believe foolish things. Grace can cover much, but not all. Sometimes the pain goes too deep and it’s too real. Sometimes it takes years to understand….and even then….

11 years ago my life changed… Just about every aspect of it. I moved to a new city, I took a new job and for the first time I knew what it was to be totally alone. I spent months sorting out my faith, and trying to figure out who I was.  Although she wasn’t present, she impacted my thoughts regularly…the memory of her friendship still does.

I’ve lived a life time since we last talked. I’ve gotten married, adopted children, I’ve started and closed two businesses and moved a few times. I often feel like the person I was is only a shadow of who I am today, that doesn’t make the loss any less great. I have returned to this saved draft at least six times over the past three years. Each time I come back I update it…add to it, take away the things that don’t seem to fit…Each time I think about hitting publish, but don’t.

I figured this entry would be just the right place to star my ‘Who I am because of you’ Stories. Thank you old friend for all that you gave to me. You have been missed over the years. If you ever read this, I hope that it finds you well.

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